well would you do it again, again [entries|friends|calendar] will I live tomorrow? [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[09 May 2007|09:43pm] Nobody bothers to help me anymore. It's been a week since I've adopted this useless, apathetic attitude towards everyone and everything, and my "friends" respond as they would if I was just acting normally. Nobody notices how tormented I feel about having absolutely nothing going on in my life. I have no one to relate to; No one to share something with. I'm starting to believe I truly do not matter to anyone. I can't imagine why I'm posting this on livejournal. Sure, I have "livejournal friends" who could check their friends page, but what the fuck do they care? Does everybody seriously consider me an insignificant person? Why should I have to accept the fact I have problems and see a doctor about it? I just want a little help. It's all I'm asking for... there's been an accident

[24 Apr 2007|04:30am] [ mood | oh snap ] [ music | nine inch nails - capital g ] Where are the musical opportunities in Rhode Island? I'll tell you that they don't exist. So, I've been having these ridiculous thoughts of moving to California to make this sort of industrial/jazz-type band with my friend Aaron who I've known for over four years. I know a lot of people wouldn't ever agree with that sort of decision as ridiculous as it is, but the fact of the matter is that I don't really give a shit. I hate this place and if it weren't for my parents, Jimmy, and Kelsey, I would have been gone a long time ago. I'm not going to live my life in regret any longer. Of course, I'm not just going to drop everything and run away, as that would be a fucking stupid move on my part -- so I have to give it a lot more thought. Also, it seems like I'd be letting some people down. I don't want to leave all of my friends or whatever, but I guess they have to understand that this is something I really want to do with myself. Whatever. there's been an accident

[07 Apr 2007|01:12am] Sometimes I want people to read my thoughts and ideas and be captivated by them. Maybe find a relevance in what I am thinking or a truth, or an underlying philosophy. You could be asking yourself 'what thoughts'? Well, don't bother asking because I've forgotten them by now. In the last few days, I think I may have discovered transcendentalism. By thinking, by challenging the nature of things or the significance of things I may have discovered it and it is fucking terrifying. Transcending between stupidity -- scratch that, stupidity is relative after all... instead ignorance(?) -- and wisdom is terrifyingly wonderful. I should think of an analogy for that. Something that perhaps someone will notice or will stand out. Something that will communicate itself. When you reach into the dark, you grasp at the unknown. You don't know what it feels like or where it is, but you grasp at it anyway. This is how I feel day to day or better yet... welcome to my train of thought. I understand that if I am constantly challenging my observations, that I will achieve a higher place and discover the unknown. Why do I do that? What could be the significance of that statement? What's the difference between one position and another? We all are lost in our own delusions somewhere and will always be. Soon I'll start questioning God -- by next week, Socrates attacks! and the Illuminati... in bed with the Society of Jesus? Broken thoughts. Stupid, broken thoughts. Always broken and yet always reaching. Stupid, broken thoughts. You could be asking yourself 'what thoughts'? Well, don't bother asking because I've forgotten them by now. there's been an accident

[08 Feb 2007|04:23am] [ mood | GAY ] [ music | nothing ] We're stuck, yet bent Set shame to sin, But what's "1 4 3" to love Labeled just friends? Oh shit. Totally Cute material right there ... there's been an accident

[28 Jan 2007|11:51pm] [ mood | hurt ] [ music | nothing ] her fingers grow cold, she starts losing his grip; her vision becomes blurry, as tears roll down to her lips. it would have been better, if they hadn't met at all. yeah, it would have been better, if they hadn't met at all. I can't even write decent lyrics. Fucking failure. It sucks that what I wrote applies to the two relationships I've had and look how they ended. there's been an accident

[28 Jan 2007|10:22pm] [ mood | hurt ] [ music | nothing ] I have spent too long thinking optimistically about Kelsey and I, and all of a sudden she breaks up with her boyfriend and tells me, "I love you like my brother". I thought that she wanted me around all the time because she liked me, but I guess what I really became was her best friend. Is it fucked up to say that it's not fair? This isn't fair. 1 can't go back | there's been an accident

FGTRY [15 Jan 2007|08:58pm] [ music | FALL OF TROY is in my head ] I finally grew some balls and quit pretty plays discord today. It was funny because I was over at jump jump, juliet! practice and we recorded me quitting on the phone with scott's voicemail. And bob called all pissed off. I love being an asshole, haha. The ackbars practice went by well also because we learned a chiodos song and kelsey really loves them. Her and I are so close now, it's pretty chill and I love her =] Life is too good. there's been an accident

[06 Jan 2007|10:59pm] [ mood | GAY ] [ music | None? ] Okay. So as part of a promotional plan for my new band (not pretty plays discord which clearly sucks balls as scott, bob, and mike never fucking get better at their instruments) I've decided to post some lyrics for the 0 people that happen to read my live journal. I'm so excited! I've Spent the Last Four Years Screaming ... Opening Chorus Her body whispers wounds, Carried on by careless years; Spent with him. As if the pain within, Would shine like stars. Verse 1 With every year comes another struggle, Who cut the other deeper; And what's now is all we've got, We turned our backs and walked away; [Turned our backs and walked away] Ext. Chorus Her body whispers wounds, Carried on by careless years; Spent with him. As if the pain within, Would shine like stars. The torment backs the melody, Starts six measures in; Fades to a ringing choir. Verse 2 Don't you ever think I've loved you, I spent the last four years screaming; Screaming for a helping hand, But you had none to offer. Ext. Chorus Her body whispers wounds, Carried on by careless years; Spent with him. As if the pain within, Would shine like stars. The torment backs the melody, Starts six measures in; Fades to a ringing choir. Bridge He cries ... "Please follow me home", Her wounds built like walls; She doesn't hear him at all. Ext. Chorus Her body whispers wounds, Carried on by careless years; Spent with him. As if the pain within, Would shine like stars. The torment backs the melody, Starts six measures in; Fades to a ringing choir. [Her wounds built like walls, she doesn't hear him at all] For some reason, I feel that I've gotten the 'her wounds built like walls, she doesn't hear him at all' part from somewhere, but who gives a shit! I've also written something else that's completely faggoty/cartel/fall out boy. Hit em' Hit em' up Hit the lights out, baby; My heart is on the stage, And the beat is going crazy. But don't you, don't you know, I'm doing this for you. That's all I've got so far. Rockin' summer hit; or failed faggoty lyricist? YOU DECIDE! 2 can't go back | there's been an accident

[14 Dec 2006|12:36am] Turned down again. Fuck this shit. Fuck girls and to anyone else who treats me like shit; fuck you too. Faggots. there's been an accident

[11 Dec 2006|07:05pm] [ mood | derherher ] [ music | harder, better, faster, stronger - daft punk ] So, band practice with kels was pretty fun as was band practice with pretty plays discord. We took a bunch of silly photographs for ourspace and have a bunch of new ideas for the music. Sadly, the rest of my life isn't as productive. FAFSA sent me a letter in the mail today saying that, "I'm not eligible for financial aid", - apparently I'm not poor enough but I still can't afford to go to college. What the fuck kind of logic is that? Maybe it was a grim reminder that I suck balls. On top of that, I don't have a cosigner to take responsibility if I fail to 'default' on the college payments. So no new england tech for me. Things with kels are pretty awkward. I feel guilty for liking her in spite of the fact that she has a boyfriend; she likes me too and now I understand how screwed up this sort of situation is. Although, even if she didn't have a boyfriend, I don't believe I'd be able to really move on with all the other things I'm dealing with. Especially after I've said a bunch of untrue stuff just so she wouldn't have to deal with my hopelessness anymore, and because I cared enough that I didn't want to end up hurting her. Now that I think about it, it feels like a mistake that I've made her hate me again. I could use somebody to talk to right now. there's been an accident

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