well would you do it again, again

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2007-05-09T21:43:00

2007-05-10T01:56:50Z

Nobody bothers to help me anymore. It's been a week since I've adopted this useless, apathetic attitude towards everyone and everything, and my "friends" respond as they would if I was just acting normally. Nobody notices how tormented I feel about having absolutely nothing going on in my life. I have no one to relate to; No one to share something with. I'm starting to believe I truly do not matter to anyone. I can't imagine why I'm posting this on livejournal. Sure, I have "livejournal friends" who could check their friends page, but what the fuck do they care? Does everybody seriously consider me an insignificant person? Why should I have to accept the fact I have problems and see a doctor about it? I just want a little help. It's all I'm asking for...

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2007-04-24T04:30:00

2007-04-24T08:50:55Z

Where are the musical opportunities in Rhode Island? I'll tell you that they don't exist. So, I've been having these ridiculous thoughts of moving to California to make this sort of industrial/jazz-type band with my friend Aaron who I've known for over four years. I know a lot of people wouldn't ever agree with that sort of decision as ridiculous as it is, but the fact of the matter is that I don't really give a shit. I hate this place and if it weren't for my parents, Jimmy, and Kelsey, I would have been gone a long time ago. I'm not going to live my life in regret any longer. Of course, I'm not just going to drop everything and run away, as that would be a fucking stupid move on my part -- so I have to give it a lot more thought. Also, it seems like I'd be letting some people down. I don't want to leave all of my friends or whatever, but I guess they have to understand that this is something I really want to do with myself. Whatever.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2007-04-07T01:12:00

2007-04-07T06:42:10Z

Sometimes I want people to read my thoughts and ideas and be captivated by them. Maybe find a relevance in what I am thinking or a truth, or an underlying philosophy. You could be asking yourself 'what thoughts'? Well, don't bother asking because I've forgotten them by now. In the last few days, I think I may have discovered transcendentalism. By thinking, by challenging the nature of things or the significance of things I may have discovered it and it is fucking terrifying. Transcending between stupidity -- scratch that, stupidity is relative after all... instead ignorance(?) -- and wisdom is terrifyingly wonderful. I should think of an analogy for that. Something that perhaps someone will notice or will stand out. Something that will communicate itself. When you reach into the dark, you grasp at the unknown. You don't know what it feels like or where it is, but you grasp at it anyway. This is how I feel day to day or better yet... welcome to my train of thought. I understand that if I am constantly challenging my observations, that I will achieve a higher place and discover the unknown. Why do I do that? What could be the significance of that statement? What's the difference between one position and another? We all are lost in our own delusions somewhere and will always be. Soon I'll start questioning God -- by next week, Socrates attacks! and the Illuminati... in bed with the Society of Jesus? Broken thoughts. Stupid, broken thoughts. Always broken and yet always reaching. Stupid, broken thoughts. You could be asking yourself 'what thoughts'? Well, don't bother asking because I've forgotten them by now.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2007-02-08T04:23:00

2007-02-08T09:31:56Z

We're stuck, yet bent
Set shame to sin,
But what's "1 4 3" to love
Labeled just friends?

Oh shit. Totally Cute material right there ...

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2007-01-28T23:51:00

2007-01-29T05:04:21Z

her fingers grow cold,
she starts losing his grip;
her vision becomes blurry,
as tears roll down to her lips.

it would have been better,
if they hadn't met at all.
yeah, it would have been better,
if they hadn't met at all.

I can't even write decent lyrics. Fucking failure. It sucks that what I wrote applies to the two relationships I've had and look how they ended.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2007-01-28T22:22:00

2007-01-29T03:42:31Z

I have spent too long thinking optimistically about Kelsey and I, and all of a sudden she breaks up with her boyfriend and tells me, "I love you like my brother". I thought that she wanted me around all the time because she liked me, but I guess what I really became was her best friend. Is it fucked up to say that it's not fair? This isn't fair.

FGTRY

2007-01-16T02:01:33Z

I finally grew some balls and quit pretty plays discord today. It was funny because I was over at jump jump, juliet! practice and we recorded me quitting on the phone with scott's voicemail. And bob called all pissed off. I love being an asshole, haha. The ackbars practice went by well also because we learned a chiodos song and kelsey really loves them. Her and I are so close now, it's pretty chill and I love her =] Life is too good.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2007-01-06T22:59:00

2007-01-07T04:08:21Z

Okay. So as part of a promotional plan for my new band (not pretty plays discord which clearly sucks balls as scott, bob, and mike never fucking get better at their instruments) I've decided to post some lyrics for the 0 people that happen to read my live journal. I'm so excited!

I've Spent the Last Four Years Screaming ...

Opening Chorus
Her body whispers wounds,
Carried on by careless years;
Spent with him.
As if the pain within,
Would shine like stars.

Verse 1
With every year comes another struggle,
Who cut the other deeper;
And what's now is all we've got,
We turned our backs and walked away;
[Turned our backs and walked away]

Ext. Chorus
Her body whispers wounds,
Carried on by careless years;
Spent with him.
As if the pain within,
Would shine like stars.
The torment backs the melody,
Starts six measures in;
Fades to a ringing choir.

Verse 2
Don't you ever think I've loved you,
I spent the last four years screaming;
Screaming for a helping hand,
But you had none to offer.

Ext. Chorus
Her body whispers wounds,
Carried on by careless years;
Spent with him.
As if the pain within,
Would shine like stars.
The torment backs the melody,
Starts six measures in;
Fades to a ringing choir.

Bridge
He cries ...
"Please follow me home",
Her wounds built like walls;
She doesn't hear him at all.

Ext. Chorus
Her body whispers wounds,
Carried on by careless years;
Spent with him.
As if the pain within,
Would shine like stars.
The torment backs the melody,
Starts six measures in;
Fades to a ringing choir.
[Her wounds built like walls, she doesn't hear him at all]

For some reason, I feel that I've gotten the 'her wounds built like walls, she doesn't hear him at all' part from somewhere, but who gives a shit!

I've also written something else that's completely faggoty/cartel/fall out boy.

Hit em'
Hit em' up
Hit the lights out, baby;
My heart is on the stage,
And the beat is going crazy.
But don't you, don't you know,
I'm doing this for you.

That's all I've got so far. Rockin' summer hit; or failed faggoty lyricist? YOU DECIDE!

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-12-14T00:36:00

2006-12-14T04:36:37Z

Turned down again. Fuck this shit. Fuck girls and to anyone else who treats me like shit; fuck you too. Faggots.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-12-11T19:05:00

2006-12-11T23:05:36Z

So, band practice with kels was pretty fun as was band practice with pretty plays discord. We took a bunch of silly photographs for ourspace and have a bunch of new ideas for the music. Sadly, the rest of my life isn't as productive.

FAFSA sent me a letter in the mail today saying that, "I'm not eligible for financial aid", - apparently I'm not poor enough but I still can't afford to go to college. What the fuck kind of logic is that? Maybe it was a grim reminder that I suck balls. On top of that, I don't have a cosigner to take responsibility if I fail to 'default' on the college payments. So no new england tech for me.

Things with kels are pretty awkward. I feel guilty for liking her in spite of the fact that she has a boyfriend; she likes me too and now I understand how screwed up this sort of situation is. Although, even if she didn't have a boyfriend, I don't believe I'd be able to really move on with all the other things I'm dealing with. Especially after I've said a bunch of untrue stuff just so she wouldn't have to deal with my hopelessness anymore, and because I cared enough that I didn't want to end up hurting her. Now that I think about it, it feels like a mistake that I've made her hate me again. I could use somebody to talk to right now.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-12-06T03:02:00

2006-12-06T07:02:09Z

I feel like I'm going to die.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-12-05T19:50:00

2006-12-05T23:50:18Z

Don't ever take advantage of your parent's money to go to college, or complain about the college you're going to, because at least you have the opportunity. Looks like I have no other choice to join the military.

my heart and I have decided to end it all

2006-11-08T02:02:40Z

I'm not happy and silly like I used to be.
I drove around last night after my dad was yelling at me about how useless I am and thought about driving into a ditch. That's how fucked up I am. I need serious fucking help.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-10-13T12:02:00

2006-10-13T16:11:15Z

Okay, so fuck dave's marketplace. I'm quitting very soon and getting a temporary job at EB games for the holidays, and if I'm good, they'll keep me. Seriously though. I get pushed around in that stupid place and I'm absolutely sick of it. Not to mention that before I leave, I'm going to mention the fact that my produce managers steal food and shit and hopefully, that will get them in huge trouble and possibly even fired. Tickets to afi are like $23 a piece and that is so fucking gay, so jaime better like this show. However it starts at like 7pm and there is no way in fuck that I'm driving home too late at night from her house again because the last time I did that, I was almost killed. So I'm totally sleeping in my car, I don't care if that's weird, I certainly am entitled to for being an awesome kid, taking people to concerts from like east guam. Although it's certainly a pleasure, you just gotta' help a nigga' out, kk? Cool.

I like amanda and I think she might like me again, but it's still pretty hard for me.

New bands are fun, however I'm not sure which one I should lean more towards to. Scotty's band or Matt's band. Matt's band will have more dedication, but possibly a better outcome considering most of the kids in that band are good at what they do. Scotty's band would just be a lot of fun because he has a lot of sweet gear and shit to play around with. Lame.

I hate work.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-09-16T17:06:00

2006-09-16T21:07:52Z

since when did I become such a bitter person?
oh, since everyone stopped talking to me.
what the fuck did I do?
the only thing I look forward to every week now is church because I have a chance to say that I'm sorry for being such a terrible person.
I hate this

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-09-03T01:28:00

2006-09-03T05:32:29Z

so I'm finally buying my external tomorrow to backup my music
and then I'm getting my dad's old parts =]]]]

I haven't really talked to amanda lately, but whatevz
I've decided that I'm going to retire my penis, haha

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-08-30T21:29:00

2006-08-31T01:43:35Z

so I guess right now I should be happy but I'm still not really. I mean, sure, I could give amanda a chance or anyone for that matter, but it's like I'm not even interested anymore. I guess it could just be a thing that wears off eventually, but sometimes I think I'll just feel this way forever. and I suppose it's sort of the old me talking and complaining and wanting more, and I don't want to be that way anymore, but eh. it's cool that jaime's into someone else and stuff, she shouldn't be settling down with anyone right now anyway, but it just feels that I won't see her or talk to her at all that much and everyone wonders why it's such a big deal. it's because she's one of the only people who understands me and she's so much fun to chill with and talk to and it sucks that people kinda' don't feel the same way eventually. and yet I don't want to whine about this because I don't want to give people any problems and all I want to do is apologize for all the stupid shit I've done like it'll make any difference and not be remembered as someone who fucked up so badly. you know, I would be so fucking happy if I was one of her closer friends she hangs out with a lot so I wouldn't have to feel this way. I feel like an obsessed creep, but that's not how I want to be seen as. but I guess this is what happens when you take shit the wrong way.

I'm sorry for wanting a lot=[[

this is fgtry: not that I enjoy complaining to her
this is fgtry: you must hate me for bringing her up so much
amanda is onnn: nah whatever id ont really care

WOW. okay, see? amanda rly doesn't seem worth it

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-08-27T01:31:00

2006-08-27T05:38:56Z

so I went to hopkin's hill school at like 9:00 at night to go play guitar with jimmy and his friend from work, and of course pancake is there being an ass and guess who else is there? amanda. she's really chill and stuff and nice, but I think she has the wrong idea of how I feel. plus, eh, she's a little ditzy. hm, but for a little bit I did like the fact that she thought I was cute and stuff. jimmy's telling me that he thinks I should go for it and so does everyone else. but it's not what I want. he says that jaime is kinda' manipulating me, but I can't leave her like that when she's unhappy. but I mean, what's the point if she has francis and I have no one. I want to die.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-08-08T11:13:00

2006-08-08T15:16:32Z

uh, my sister is a lesbian now
I'm not sure whether I should laugh or whether I should be concerned
I'm not a homophobe or anything, but it's my fucking sister
wtf?!

anyway
the band hasn't had many practices
but if it works out these are the members:
josh - drums
matt && I - guitars/vox
mike - bass
scott - vox/screaming

so it's basically ifam without bob and with me included and heavier
we might try 'in regards to myself' by underoath

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-08-04T02:01:00

2006-08-04T06:02:54Z

starting a band with mike, scott, and josh
right now we're covering when the sun sleeps by underoath
warped tour was fun

what was I to say
I'm already alone
and there's nothing here except the hole in the wall
what was I to do
and how should I know
I was never good when times are changing
one more chance
I never would react like this
one more time
it'd be time enough to think about it
and one last straw
it'd be strong enough to make this work or throw away everything
it's time that I go
I can sleep on the road
it won't be soft but it will be on my own
I'm sure that last time I couldn't have been wrong
besides I'm not good with saying sorry
just one time is all it takes
timing shows I needed to prove that I was strong enough to be on my own
so we're taking time with bad excuses
got to show it to know that everything is all right

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-07-20T18:56:00

2006-07-20T23:19:21Z

dear keith,
you're so fucking naive. do you honestly think you deserve anything after you fucked up so badly? you deserve to die is what you deserve, you naive fucking prick. you ruined one of the only things that made you happy and now nothing will satisfy you - because you wanted to be selfish and jealous. no, you didn't mean it, but you couldn't admit it either. where's your fucking backbone? where the fuck do you think you're going? you can't just run and run and run and be beautiful like in a poem, no, you're much uglier than that. you were going to do just fine, and now you'll live and die here with no one to remember your ugly, ugly face. it's a wonder that you still have hope, you'll never get it back. you want her poems to be about you, but they're about someone else.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-07-16T20:26:00

2006-07-17T00:39:20Z

I'm pretty sure no one reads this anymore, but I tried to see kelly, genna, briana, and jaime today to go see kevin devine who is so good, but because I'm like, really bad at driving/directions, I couldn't find it and went home. I don't know, it just made me feel that I was the same stupid moronic kid that jaime hates and so now I feel like an asshole somehow. I can see that she is obviously sick of my drama, but I'm not jealous or mopey, it's just that it's hard not to feel sad or depressed when she just wants to stop talking to me. I tell briana and kelly this all the time and I feel kinda' bad for bringing it up. I can perfectly understand why she can't trust that I'm not like that anymore though - I've done it so many times before, but I just wish like someday she does. I don't know how much I'm asking for. But anyway, I just remember having fun before I started being jealous with her and all her friends, and they were better friends than the friends I have at home. Ugh, I don't know what to do.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-07-12T14:06:00

2006-07-12T18:08:41Z

hm, for this whole recording thing, I'm going to need a new guitar, and I think I found one that is amazing so yeah

it's a '72 thinline fender telecaster
http://img3.musiciansfriend.com/dbase/pics/products/3/2/8/268328.jpg

I already played it at guitar center and it sounds friggan ohsome

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-07-03T23:42:00

2006-07-04T03:45:01Z

sitting
always
waiting
wishing

After my job orientation, I got lost in the worst part of south providence and blasted 'I'm real' and NOT the j-lo and ja rule version. I felt like such an ass, haha. I need to find a ride to warped tour, if not, I'll drive myself.

emo_is_t3hsecks @ 2006-06-26T05:00:00

2006-06-26T09:02:53Z

I'm too tired to figure out how to do those tab things, they're probably right in front of me, but whatevs.

Severed112: damn it, keith
this is fgtry: wat
this is fgtry: what*
Severed112: ugh
Severed112: nevermind
this is fgtry: what
this is fgtry: if it's a lecture about how I feel about her then save it
Severed112: I don't want to lecture you
this is fgtry: like no one understands how amazingly I think about her
this is fgtry: I'm the one who fucked up
Severed112: oh, no, I do
this is fgtry: not her
Severed112: if there's anything I understand
Severed112: it's that you obviously do
this is fgtry: then what is the problem
Severed112: well, now it's that you're blaming yourself, and I find it very hard to believe that she's any more "perfect" than the rest of us
this is fgtry: no one's perfect, but she's jaime
Severed112: I just want to know
Severed112: just curious
Severed112: but
this is fgtry: you can't like, replace that
Severed112: do you still have good times with her? because EVERY single time I've heard her name
Severed112: it's been something about you feeling like ass
this is fgtry: that weekend I went over I pretty much did to myself
this is fgtry: she couldn't tell me that she liked that boy because she knew how jealous I'd get
Severed112: isn't that the point?
Severed112: or are you two just friends agian
this is fgtry: no, because we're not even going out
Severed112: again*
this is fgtry: that's horrible that I'd do that to her
Severed112: I see
this is fgtry: I feel like shit all the time because I let down my very best friend
this is fgtry: the only girl that would ever care so much about me and pardon the melodrama, but I just want to jump off a bridge
this is fgtry: and it pisses me off that people don't understand that
Severed112: oh, no, I do
this is fgtry: they all call her horrible
Severed112: I've just never been informed, honestly
this is fgtry: and say I shouldn't waste my time
Severed112: all I've ever heard is "dammit I feel like shit"
this is fgtry: what else could I fucking do
this is fgtry: again, I made myself feel like that
Severed112: but, if she can find other guys
Severed112: you should find other girls
this is fgtry: why should I have to?
this is fgtry: I want my friend back, not a girlfriend
Severed112: ah
this is fgtry: you fucking think a girlfriend could replace someone like her?
Severed112: well, they're apparently two seperate things
this is fgtry: yeah, they are
Severed112: then obviously not
Severed112: but
Severed112: that doesn't mean you shouldn't have one
this is fgtry: I don't want one
Severed112: then that's different
Severed112: you've never told me any of this before
this is fgtry: well now you know, aaron